Ready To Date

The upside to being stuck in bed ill is I’ve managed to do some research for some upcoming posts, the downside to being ill is I think it’s all ridiculous and complete bullshit. I was looking into a piece I planned to write on “how do you know when you’re ready to date again” after researching the topic for 5 minutes I lost the will to live let alone date.

Some of the “indicators” these sites were using are hilarious and clearly written by people grasping at straws. Some of my favorites include….

“You know you’re ready to date, when you’re interested in men again.” – Call me crazy, but a breakup has never affected my sexuality; my interest has never waned, just my ability to tolerate.

“You know you’re ready to date again when you don’t have any baggage left.” – Everyone has baggage, that’s what makes us, us. Whether it’s shaped you in a positive way or a negative way every relationship leave you with some sort of baggage. That's life. 

“You know you’re ready to date when your motives are pure.” – I actually laughed out loud at this one. Admittedly, I did find this one on a Christian dating site, but it doesn’t change the fact it is ridiculous. If your thoughts are completely pure when you start dating someone you’re dating the wrong person. There should be some element of rip their clothes off lust.

After that one I gave up on the subject and decided on this, if you’re asking the question you’re not ready to date and if the question is being asked by those around you, who fucking cares what they think, only you get to decide what is right for you. Remember that.

Anyways, I am going to go and try and write another post, but with that said my temperature is back and I need a nap. But before I go I have this question for you; what is the worse dating advice you’ve ever received? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

NOT ALL QUESTIONS ARE A TRAP!

I have a piece of advice for all the men out there, not that I have any male readers, but just in case any are lost and end up here I have this for you. NOT ALL QUESTIONS ARE A TRAP!

Larry has a distaste for makeup, and he was explaining this at work the other night. In this conversation I said I pretty much look the same with or without makeup. Which I do. I’m told this all the time, by friends and more than once by the person I’ve woken up next to. Larry snapped back with “I don’t think you do.” So I innocently asked which way he thinks I look better. The wuss, would not answer for love, money or blowjobs.

He then ranted about it being a trap. It wasn’t a trap at all. I mean, unless he thinks I’m hideous there was no way to offend me with that question.

“I think you look better without makeup” – Awwww, he thinks I’m naturally pretty. There's no offended there.

“I like you with makeup, it brings out your eyes” – Awww, he thinks I have pretty eyes. Not offended.

“You look equally wonderful with or without makeup” Awwwww, that’s sweet. Not offended.

You know what’s offensive, “no comment”, that answer is pretty much the only way that question becomes a trap.

I don’t tend to ask questions I don’t want an answer to anyways. Hence me not asking Larry how he feels…. Don’t want to know. And I don’t know any female friends that do this, but if you do, stop it, it’s clearly fucking it up for the rest of us.

Anyways, you sexy people, I am going to go and get some sleep. But before I go I have this question for you; do you ask questions you don’t want the answer to? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxox 

Sometimes I Have No Answers

I got asked a very interesting question by a reader the other day and it’s not often I’m left with no response but this one left me stumped.

She commented that it always seems to be the same sort of guy that complains about being “friend zoned”, the sort of guy you laugh with and have a joke with but doesn’t flirt. Whether it’s real flirting or playful joking flirting, you just get none of that from them. So how on earth are you meant to know if they’re interested?

I’ve been in this girls shoes, where years later I’ve found out I’ve missed out on a great guy because I could have sworn he wasn’t interested. Even replaying it back now there is no possible way I could have known he was interesting and since, despite contrary belief, women aren’t mind readers; how are we meant to know?

My first port of call was to Google it, but I’m pretty sure it’s answer was I’m about to die so I quickly gave up on that one.

Then I thought I’d ask a guy who like the one in the question doesn’t flirt in any shape or form however he failed to respond.

So that leaves me with plan C, to ask you lovely people to answer her question for her since I’ve failed miserably to do so. So how do you know when a non-flirty guy likes you? Let me know in the comment box below and if you have any questions you’d like to see me struggle with, leave them below as well. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Advice in Strange Places

It’s no secret that I love to watch bad TV, Dance Moms, Cheer Perfection, Amish Mafia, pretty much anything on TLC. I just love the kind of show that makes you instantly feel better about yourself. I mean I might be messed up but at least I’m not Honey Boo Boo right?

Out of all the bad TV I watch I have a soft spot for 19 Kids and Counting, despite the fact I agree with them on very little I love the Duggar family. In a day and age where most families fail to raise 1 or 2 good kids; they’re raising 19. That’s pretty damn impressive....and crazy.

Because of my soft spot for them I’ve actually read both their books and oddly enough they weren’t bad and not at all preachy. There was however a paragraph in their second book that caught my attention.

“Men are geared differently than women; they need the physical relationship more often than women. Keep the perspective that you are the only one who can fulfil that special need in his life.” Then she says “With God’s grace we can do for each other what we ought to do, even when we don’t feel like it.”

That’s right the uber religious Michelle Duggar just said the key to a happy relationship is to have sex ever your partner wants, even if you don’t want to. That was a little titbit I didn’t see coming............Guess that explains the 19 kids.

Then last night while watching their shows one of their older girls said something that struck me as wise beyond her years, especially since it’s coming from a girl who has never been on a date or even kissed a boy.

“If you’re not happy and fulfilled when you’re single, you’ll never be happy and fulfilled when you’re with someone.”

That’s some very good advice from a very unlikely place; so I have to ask what strange places have you found good advice? And what bad TV do you love? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and place safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Irked

Normally in my blogs I try to give advice or words of wisdom so you guys can learn from my many, many mistakes but in this blog I need your advice.

It’s my cousin’s 21^st soon and I was planning on sending her some lovely flowers and chocolates for her birthday. But then someone pointed out something that has been bugging me for a while and now I’m not sure I want to bother.

When I lived in Canada we were super close. We saw each other almost every day and when I moved we stayed close until 3 years ago when she had her daughter. Even though we weren’t as close as we use to be I’ve always made a point of sending gifts over for her daughter.

She’s a full time student, lives with her boyfriend at her parents’ house and has a nearly 3 year old daughter so I figure money must be tight so I don’t expect anything back. But what has irked me is she never says thank you.

Last Christmas I spent £120 on her daughter (that’s almost $200) and she didn’t even tell me the present arrived. When I asked her in February about it she said “yeah”, and her daughter loved it but she hated it (It was an annoying Sesame Street Lets Rock Elmo so that’s how it should be.) But she never said thank you.

I know she has a kid but last time I checked they ruin your body not your manners.

I’m not sure what to do now, part of me wants to send something because that’s what you do when it’s someone’s birthday but the other part of me thinks if she can’t bother with 9 key storks why should I bother?

So what you do you think, should I sent something or should I keep my money and time and put it to better use. Let me know in the comment box below.

And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

What Women Want

There’s one question I get asked time and time again, be it through email, twitter or even in person and that question is “what do women want?” And truth be told we don’t really know what we want a lot of time. And when we do know, it changes based on our mood, hormone levels and who’s asking.

It really isn't a straight forward type question, but there are few things I can tell you that will help you stay in our good books while we’re busy deciding what it is we want.

Remember Random Milestones- It’s a good rule of the thumb to know our birthday and anniversary but trying remembering some of the small things too like our first kiss or the first time we said I love you. As stupid as it sounds women just melt over that stuff.

Return Our Messages- Women gauge how into us you are by your replies or lack thereof. Once again we know it’s crazy but that’s how the female brain works, so reply to us and “k” or “ok” doesn’t count.

Women Love Intelligent Men- And your world of knowledge about sports doesn’t count. We like to have meaningful conversations and decisions. If you can’t hold your own in a conversation you’re screwed and not in the fun way.

Be Honest- If you lie to us we will find out and make your life a living hell, we specialize in that shit. So save yourself a few headaches and just be honest with us.

Have a Sense Of Humor- A great sense of humour is important to all women, you can win a girl over by making her laugh and you can lose one by failure to do so.

Listen To Her- This one is really important. Actually listen to her don’t just pretend actually do it. You don’t have to offer advice or try and fix everything just listen.

Be Generous- Gifts are never frowned upon, it doesn’t have to be big just thoughtful, pick some flowers, teddy bear, surprise her with dinner or dancing. Put some effort in and don’t be tight wad, tight wads never get laid.

Keep Promises- No matter what happens, keep your promises, if there is a chance you may not be able to come through with something don’t promise us. You’re only as good as your word.

Kiss Her for No Reason- Before/during/after sex doesn’t count. Kiss her when you come in a room, kiss her while she’s cooking dinner. Kiss her when you’re not trying to get laid!

Hold Her Hand – There is something very sweet about walking hand in hand with someone you love or just holding hands under the table while you’re out to dinner with friends. It goes a long way to show how you feel.

Take up an Activity with her- .......Outside of the bedroom. Bowling, tennis, antiquing, anything the two of you can do together. And preferably something neither of you do already.

Be A Man- Do man things, change a tire, build something, do something that requires testosterone. There is nothing hotter than a man with a little dirty on his face, a little on sweaty side just grrrrr (said in the I’m going to rip your clothes off way not the I’m going to kill you way.)

Never Follow a Women- There is nothing less hot then a man following a woman. And more importantly a lot of women don’t want to lead. There is something very attractive about a man talking control.

Keep the Power- A lot of guy will give the power to the women in an attempt to gain approval. Stop it! Man the fuck up. Keep the power and use it. Power is sexy, remember that.

Don’t Need A Women- Staying on the power is sexy theme. Needy men, men who need relationships, men who lack a pair of balls are just sad. Most women will pity you not love you.

Protect Us – This doesn’t mean fight our fights or hit a guy in a bar, this mean make us feel safe. Put your arm around us when creeps are hitting on us, get up in the middle of the night when we hear a noise. Make us feel safe and protected.

Look After Us When We’re Sick – This one will get you massive bonus marks. There is nothing sweeter than a guy taking care of his sick girlfriend and NOT complaining about it. Making soup, just cuddling it means the world to us.

Time for the last and final rule that will help keep you in our good books.

Have Eyes For Only Her- Guys tend to suck at this final rule. I’ve been on dates where guys have gotten whip lash from how fast their head has spun following a girl with big fake boobs. Then they always complain about foot pain afterwards. It may have something to do with me stomping on it but I can’t be sure.

Just don’t do it! Have eyes for your girlfriend or date and her alone. Make her feel like she is the only girl who matters. If you can do that it’s a safe bet that you’ll be what she wants.

What do you guys think, do you agree with my list and is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Helping A Friend Through A Breakup

It’s been a long couple of days, one of my dear friends got dumped by a jerk and since my speciality is breakups, I’ve been at her 24 hour beck and call. Which means lots of late nights and a few makeup strained shoulders (anyone know how to get mascara out of a white shirt?).

Honestly I don’t really mind, although the first 24 hours after a breakup suck even for me. You can’t really do anything to help during that period. You just have to sit there and listen. And maybe throw out the odd “it’s going to be ok”. You can’t say anything else because they don’t want to hear it and it almost sounds a little forced. You just have to let them cry it out no matter how tough it is to watch.

When it comes to breakups I follow the saying “cry a river, build a bridge and get over it”. But unfortunately step 1 is crying the river.

Depending on how long they dated normally after 24 hours they’re ready for some humour based bad mouthing. You can’t be too mean at this point or they’ll burst into tears and say “but I love him” and nobody wants to see that mess (trust me). But if you can get them laughing 99% of time you’re golden.

With my friend the line that worked was “look on the bright side at least now you don’t have to shave his bear skin rug like back.” It was true and got a snotty laugh, gross but a good sign.

After humour bad mouthing comes my favourite part, junk and bitching. Admittedly I feel sick today after the pizza, ice cream and chocolate last night (please note no alcohol, that’s very important. NEVER give a dumpee booze) but she’s feeling better and that’s what matters. We spent the evening plotting revenge and discussing his small penis, lack of manners and how he laughs like a “brain dead hyena”.

While I’m home today recovering from last night’s junk fest she’s out with some of the other girls getting her hair and nails done. Once you stop the crying phase it’s important to look good. It makes you feel better and let’s face it, if you run into your ex there is no better revenge then looking hot (unless you're in your car when you run into him). Hell even if his friends see you they’ll report back to him so looking good is a must.

Normally after a week or so my friends are pretty much back to their normal selves. They might still have the odd tear and shouldn’t be drinking and left alone with their phone but on the whole there pretty stable at that point and the amount of calls I get reduces drastically.

I’m not sure how I ended up in this role but when my friends are crying they always ask for me. I don’t really understand it but my best guess is it’s because I don’t fed them lies, I don’t say they’ll get back together, I just listen and once they’re ready, joke with them. I mean I can’t fix it so all I can do is try to lighten things up and occasionally threaten an ex or two.

So that’s how I handle my friends when they’re going through a breakup but what do you do? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The 90 Day Rule

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How To Move On

Recently I’ve had a lot of people messaging me asking how they can stop caring about someone. I’m not sure how qualified I am to give advice but I’ll give it a go.

Let me start by saying despite what people think I didn’t just flip a switch and was over Mr. X, I wish it was that easy. What happened is I took my heart and stubbornness out of the equation and thought about things logically.

You can’t argue with logic. Even if your heart or stubbornness is tell you otherwise once you have logic on your side those things quickly shut up and you realize you’d be a fool to do anything else but just walk away.

You’ve heard of the gray area well I call emotions the pink area and once I wrote everything out in black and white that pink area seemed to have the mental capability of a first grader. And I don’t know about you but I’m not in the habit of taking dating advice from a 6 year old.

Following a 6 year olds advice isn’t a good look for anyone and that sort of thing reflects poorly on you. Look at it like this, would you tolerate a boyfriend making you look bad? That’s what’s happening. The guy you’re chasing is making you look like a fool. He’s causing you to sell you’re short and that’s just not on. You’re above that.

And once I realised all that, I didn’t want Mr. X, I was fine. I was able to talk to him without feeling anything. It’s like my heart killed him off. As far as it was concerned he was dead, RIP. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing it feels to let go. He has no power over me anymore. I’m so much happier without the weight of his baggage holding me down.

Maybe that’s the best way to stop caring, pretend he’s dead. Look back at all the times he’s wronged you and realize he’s added a lot of pain to your life. Get mad about it and pick yourself up in the knowledge that you won’t let it happen again, you’re stronger now. Take the lessons and drop the baggage he caused. And move on with a smile on your face.

I know it’s not easy but once you do it you’ll feel so much better than you ever thought possible.

That’s my advice, or rant....Not sure which. What do you guys think, what advice would you give someone who is struggling to let go and move on?

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Good Looking Boogeyman

A reader sent me a DM on twitter asking for my advice on how to get someone out of your head. My first thought when I read the message was “clearly they haven’t read my blog before.” I’ve been battling that exact problem with Mr. X for years.

I have made leaps and bounds in the matter but as recently as 2 nights ago he showed up in my thoughts. That’s kind of fucked up to be honest because I haven’t thought about him in months and without notice “boom” there he was. He’s like a good looking Boogeyman.

I don’t have any tips or solid advice on how to keep someone out of your head. What I do when I’m being plagued by a good looking Boogeyman is stay busy; when you’re busy you don’t have time to think about it. Also I stay off his Facebook page, Twitter and stay clear of Facebook chat. That seems to help. Like they say, out of sight, out of mind.

There is a Selena Gomez song, “Ghost of you” and that songs pretty much sums up the feelings of being hunted by a good looking Boogeyman. Near the end of the song there is this line “But for now there’s a reason that you’re still here in my heart.” And I think it’s important to realize that there is a reason this person is still in your head.

I’m not suggesting that means you’re meant to be together. It just means you have more to learn of the person. They may not be easy lessons to learn but there’s a old saying a painful lesson is a lesson rarely forgotten. And that’s true. Some of lives most important lesson are the painful ones.

Sometimes I find when dealing with someone who just won’t exist your mind the harder you fight it the worse it gets. In these situations my advice is be smart. You may find yourself playing with fire once in a while ( I know, I do) but just be smart enough to know you’re doing it.

I flirt with Mr. X once in awhile and I know its dangerous behaviour and I accept that. It’s like a chocolate bar you know it’s not healthy but sometimes you just have to have it. When you do give in to that melt in your mouth chocolate goodness my advice is get your fix quickly and get out. When you play with fire it’s only a matter of time before you get burnt. You have to accept that risk and pray when it happens it’s not a third degree burn. (Yet another painful lesson you won’t forget any time soon).

I guess the best advice I could give anyone is be realistic, fairytale endings only happen in chick flicks, don’t waste your time waiting for something that most likely will never happen. Don’t let that good looking Boogeyman control you. Just move on with your life and over time his grip on your mind will become less and less.

I’d love to hear your opinions on this. What do you do to get someone out of your head?

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Health Update

A lot of you know about the ongoing issues that have been plaguing my back. I happen to know a few of you also suffer with back pain so I thought I’d give you guys an update to let you know where I am with treatments, doctors and working out with is actually the causing the pain.

I was receiving trigger point injections from a pain management centre in attempt to control my pain levels. They weren't a 100 percent successful but they did have positive effects. Sadly the NHS decided to close the centre that was handling my treatment. So I’m kind of in limbo right now. I should have had an injection almost 4 months ago and I’ve heard nothing. Everyone was meant to be referred to a new specialist or back to their GPs. My GP knows nothing and as of yet no new doctor.

This whole mess has me pretty pissed off, and not for the reasons you may think. I’m happy to have someone new come in with fresh eyes. I’m pissed that nobody seems to know who has my medical records or where they even are.

My main grievance, like anyone who is months overdue for treatment, is that I’m in pain!

I understand finding the cause will take time, I accept that. But I don’t accept that treating the pain should take this long. I’m not asking for them to pull a rabbit out of their ass. All I’m asking is for them to control my pain levels. It’s not rocket science.

The pain itself has an unwanted side effect, anger.

I’ll be the first to admit my attitude when my back is bad, sucks. I get snappy, crabby and just plain mean. And I have no control over it.

The brain can’t flitter what a person is saying when it’s too busy scream “THAT HURTS!” 

I have no patience to deal with anyone or thing when it’s at its worse. I know this so I’ll pull away from people. You won’t see me on any chat thing or around people. I just stay away from everyone. It makes things easier. A little lonely at times but it’s better that way. Trust me.

I hate going to see my doctor for my back. I know there is nothing he can really do for me. It’s the specialists that needs to sort it. So I feel guilty taking up an appointment slot.

I had the decision taken away from me last week. My moods were horrible because of the amount of pain I was in so I was forced to go the doctors. I had no say what so ever in that decision.

After talking things over with him and him seeing how bad I really was. He decided to refer me back to the spinal specialist (because that worked out so well the first time) and try me on some different medications. He added a muscle relaxant to my long list of pills and stronger painkillers.

Here’s a tip never Google what your doctor gives you. My pain killers.....also given to heroin addicts. That’s something everyone wants to read about their new medication.

Admittedly the new pills do seem to be helping a lot but still not big on having something in common with a heroin addict. I also don’t love the warning to athletes on the box saying “these pills may cause you to fail anti-doping tests”. Damn it, there go my Olympic dreams. (Sex and bitching are Olympic sports right?)

Before I go I want to share with you guys some of the tips my chiropractor gave me for dealing with the pain. He may have been expensive £30 for 15 minutes well 10 minutes once you get changed but he knows his stuff.

The first tip he gave me was to use damp heat. The easiest way to do that is to put a wheat bottle in the microwave with a glass of water. Sounds simple but it’s very effective.

The second tip isn’t really a tip. It’s a product. BioFreeze! I could kiss my chiropractor for that one, and he’s one ugly dude. When my back is bad, this stuff is my best friend. It’s magic in a tube. Easily the best working product on the market. The other thing I love about it is the smell fades really quickly so I don’t have to worry about smelling like an old lady all day. Oh how I love BioFreeze.

Before you ask no, I’m not being paid to say that.

Anyways my dears that’s all from me. Hope you are all well and have a great night. As always stay safe.


Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

NTB Update

Since NTB's guest post a couple weeks ago you’ve been asking for an update on him and his love interest. I spoke to him last week and he’s given me the ok to fill you guys in on what’s been happening. He’d also like me to thank you guys for your support and comments, they really helped him.

He spoke her not along after he wrote the blog and that went.....well it could have gone better. She tossed out some words, like clingy and too old. That caused me to roll my eyes, because there is only 3 years between them. He also mentioned to me he thinks she may be crushing on someone else.

After that conversation he rightfully decided to her some space and let things cool off before finding out where he truly stands with her.

He went to see her at work a couple days ago; he only managed to have a partial conversation with her because she wanted him to leave before her "friend" came back. From what he said there were some good signs though. She gave him a massive hug and seemed really happy to see him.

His plan was to say sorry for coming across clingy and acting like they were in a relationship she didn’t want. I’m not too sure how much of that conversation he actually manage to have with her though.

The night he went to talk to her I waited up to make sure he was ok. He’s a good friend and plus you guys would kill me if I didn’t. He said something about a ring pointing the wrong way so she’s off the market. Which even now, sitting here typing this sounds crazy.

He’s decided to take some of your advice and back off and give her space. If she has feeling for him, which she does, hopefully she’ll come to him. My fingers are crossed for him, and not just because it would shut you guys up about us getting together. He deserves to be in a happy relationship.

In the meantime his eye is on a customer from work. I don’t know much about her but from what he’s said she’s a pretty girl with a gorgeous smile. I love his back bounciness and the fact most of us would be a little bitter after the summer he had but instead he’s just happy if she’s happy. We could all learn something from him.

His movie like romance may not be my cup of tea but I’m sure this knight in shining armour will find his princess. He’s just too good to remain single for long.

Love you guys,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxoxo